Epithalamion

Michael Meeuwis has sent us this terrific pastiche of a metaphysical poem, all about our wedding list, which I thought I'd share with you, seeing as how it's so good (the poem, not the list).

ON TRYING TO WRITE A WEDDING POEM BASED ON WEDDING GIFTS WHICH, ALTHOUGH IMMENSELY PRACTICAL, ARE LESS ROMANTIC THAN THOSE THAT I HAD WISHED TO SEND, OWING TO THE MILDLY PICKED-OVER STATE OF YOUR REGISTRY, (PARTICULARLY THE FOOD GRINDER ATTACHMENT, WHOSE ABSENCE I MISS SORELY), AND ON THE WILLIAMS-SONOMA CATALOG COPY FOR SAME

A pair of TONGS has metal legs,
As stiff twin compasses have two,
Just like two souls alike and so on
Plus good for fishing things from stew.
Compared by “chefs” to "extra...hands,'
They sing of joy and love’s surrender;
No apter symbol could I find,
Unless I’d got to buy the blender.
The WHISK is shaped like a balloon
Whose airy form bespeaks inflation,
Through it, I wish you love, peace, health
And joy of “maximum aeration.”
A SALT MILL limns the earth’s estate,
Its stone is brow-sweat’s stark reminder;
It both evokes our mortal span,
And has a “noncorroding…grinder.”
I hope, like marriage, that it brings,
The wanted mix of “coarse” and “fine,”
May kosher salt explode in praise,
My Lucite hymn the match divine.